It should go without saying, but I’ll go ahead and say it—if you’re married, you should be having sex.
I’ll go even further and add that if you want an extraordinary marriage, you should be having sex at least twice a week.
Why You Should Have Sex Twice a Week
I’m suggesting this because I’m a marriage coach who has learned from over 2,000 couples one-on-one (and multitudes more at conferences and retreats) that when married couples aren’t having sex on a regular basis they open up their relationship to all kinds of bad stuff.
It’s not uncommon for me to work with couples who haven’t had sex in months, and even years!
Not having sex on a regular basis devastates self-esteem, security, and a spirit of oneness in a marriage. Let me be as clear and blunt as I can be: if you and your spouse are going months without sex—and not for physical or medical reasons—your marriage is screwed (pun intended).
I believe the Bible is also clear: married couples should be having sex. I also believe that the Bible presents at least four M’s of sex married couples should be experiencing.
1. Moral Sex
Now, the first is more of a general category into which the three others “M’s” of sex fit: Moral Sex. All biblical sex should be Moral Sex. But, what is moral sex?
I often get asked, regarding sex and sexual activity, “What is okay?” I answer with the following guidelines:
It’s not OK if your spouse says it’s not OK
You may have seen some type of sexual act in a movie, online, or read something in a book that sounds “fun.”
That’s all well and good (or maybe not), but if your spouse does not want to do it, then it’s not OK to try to force him or her to do it.
It’s not OK if God says it’s not OK
I’ve heard it all . . .
- “Is using porn to get in the mood, okay?”
- “Is swinging okay?”
- “Is it okay to have a threesome?”
No, no, and no!
Paul points out that God is pretty much OK with anything this side of losing one’s self-control, unholiness, dishonor, or Gentile-like lust.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)
2. Ministry Sex
Sex with your spouse is an act of ministry that should never be neglected. One of the reasons my wife and I have sex is because we are commanded to have sex with each other.
The Apostle Paul said it this way:
Each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:2-4 ESV)
If you’re a Christian, it’s a sin to deprive your spouse of sex.
But, that’s not where I want your focus to be. I want you to focus on sex as an act of ministry to your spouse that should result in good and godly things.
3. Maintenance Sex
Another type of biblical sex is when you have sex because you, or your spouse, just needs to have sex. I call this Maintenance Sex. A lot of the sex extraordinary couples have is this ordinary type of sex.
Sometimes you need to have sex, or let your spouse have sex with you, because you know your spouse has sexual needs and you know you need to keep Satan at bay.
I see Paul suggesting this type of sex in the next verse of 1 Corinthians 7.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV)
I need to add that maintenance sex—or any of the other types of biblical sex—should never occur against your will. That means within an abusive environment, or in a way that involves sin (porn, a third party, etc.). That brings us to the next type of biblical sex.
4. Monkey Sex
The last type of biblical sex is the most fun and the most-likely to be neglected in a marriage.
I call it, monkey sex for two reasons:
- Because “monkey” starts with an “M” just like the previous three examples
- Because it’s a creative way to describe sex that is a bit more creative!
Monkey Sex is sex fueled by romance, passion, spontaneity, oneness, and godly sexual “thirst.” In fact, thirst is exactly the image King Solomon used to describe this type of sex when he wrote,
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. (Proverbs 5:15)
FYI, Solomon is talking about sex, not water. And, even though he doesn’t mention ropes or bananas, I think it’s implied.
He makes two important points about sex.
- First, we should be only be having sex with our spouse (“from your own cistern”)
- Second, we should be having dynamic sex with our spouse (“flowing water”)
Don’t let your sex life get boring, predictable, or dispassionate. Work to keep the water flowing by having sex regularly that is not “regular.” Light some candles. Draw a bath. Chill some champagne. Scatter rose petals on the bed.
And, maybe even pick up some bananas on the way home from work if that’s what it’s going to take to keep a biblical sexual connection with your spouse.
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