How do men show their wives how important sex is to them? Let’s look at the options:
- Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative.
- Hinting at your desires will most likely push her further away
- Not doing anything about it will make you resentful.
Fortunately, there’s a better option—talk to her.
Understand What Sex Means To You
Before you do, take some time to understand exactly what sex means to you.
Dr. Michael Sytsma, co-founder of the Institute for Sexual Wholeness, sums up the science behind sex. With orgasm, oxytocin and prolactin levels increase in males, helping them to feel connected and relaxed.
Furthermore, at the basic emotional level, guys need to feel wanted, loved, and desired. All of which is to say, sex is central to a man’s confidence and well-being.
Your Wife Doesn’t Know This
The only problem: your wife probably doesn’t understand this.
Thanks in part to Hollywood and mainstream sitcoms, you may seem to your wife like “one giant sex gland with no emotions attached.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. This is where the breakdown in communication typically begins.
Most men do not fully understand what sex means to them, and therefore cannot communicate their desires. Many women believe “he just wants more sex.”
They miss the fact that, for men, sex is more about feeling desired than about the physical act.
Talk About Sex In a Neutral Place
To get beyond this, Dr. Sytsma suggests taking your wife to a neutral place where sex isn’t an option.
Sit in a coffee shop. Go on a long walk. Talk to her about what intimacy means to you. Plan out in advance what you hope to say, and go with the attitude that you’ll work through the issues together.
When you go out let her know that you would like to talk about what sex means to you and the benefits that a fulfilling sex life would bring the both of you.
Talking Points For These Conversations
- When it comes to sex, it is important to me that you are engaged and satisfied.
- 75% of men say “No, I will not be sexually satisfied if my wife offers all the sex I want, but does it reluctantly or simply to accommodate my sexual needs.”
- That’s how important it is to me that you are content with our sex life.
- Having a regular, mutually enjoyable sex life makes me feel loved and desired, just like talking and being held makes you feel loved.
- I may make advances at times that seem to be the furthest from a sexual time. That’s because making love is a comfort to me, just like being in my arms is a comfort to you.
- I feel more alive and confident in general when our sex life is working for both of us.
- The confidence you feel when you look great in a certain outfit, is the same confidence you give me when our sex life is working.
- When sex is repeatedly not a priority to you, I want to withdraw. This makes me feel just like you would feel if I stopped talking to you.
- When you say “No” to sex, I do take it personally and it hurts me. It’s not just about having more sex.
- When you desire sex, and especially when you initiate sex with me, it gives me a surge of confidence and power even the next day in my work.
Men and Women Are Different
Understand that men and women were created with physiological differences. Men typically have an assertive drive, which means they pursue sex.
Women, on the other hand, have a receptive drive, so they enjoy and receive sex, but rarely initiate. Talk through the differences and brainstorm about potential solutions. One possibility may be to help her feel close not only in the bedroom, but also elsewhere.
Pursue her in non-sexual ways (notes, date nights, midday calls), give her warm-up time before sex, flirt with her throughout the day, and create a context of closeness and emotional security.
Understand that some women with young children find that they are physically exhausted by the end of a day. Help her to plan ahead for a nap on a certain day of the week so she can feel more rested or wait until the weekend when she can get caught up on her sleep.
Open Up To Your Wife
For her to understand you better, explain that if you don’t feel desired, it affects all areas of your life. More than three out of four men claim that sex gives them confidence, a greater sense of well-being, and satisfaction in life.
By understanding the male’s emotional need, she’ll see her own potential to help her husband gain the confidence he needs to face the world.
So, your efforts in putting together a romantic candlelight feast may result in the desired after-dinner activity for one night. A meaningful discussion could benefit you both—and could lead to many nights of satisfying romance.
Jackie Coleman earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling with a concentration in Christian sex therapy at Psychological Studies Institute and the Institute for Sexual Wholeness in Atlanta, GA.
Reposted with permission. Read the original article here.
We love featuring the work of many different experts and thought leaders on marriage. Want to contribute to our blog? Email firstname.lastname@example.org to find out more.
Subscribe For Email Updates
Did you like this blog post? Want to get our latest monthly blogs delivered directly to your email inbox?
Sign up and we will add you to our email list! And we won't send you and spam—we promise.