Enjoy! Ted

When I speak on marriage, I’m always asked if I intentionally taught my kids about marriage.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we’ve talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Cathy and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us without us having to do a lot of talking. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my kids had a similar type of marriage that Cathy and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we’ve developed over 27+ years.

Here are 10 actions that I know my kids have observed from us over the year:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Kids are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage.
Question: Do you have intentional actions that you’re modeling to your kids? Do you have some actions that are different from the ones I’ve listed?

I asked my newly married friend Alex to share with us another thought from a Newb. I think it is easy for us “veterans” of marriage to forget the basics, Thanks Alex for reminding us! TED

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” [Philippians 4:6, ESV]

One of the most interesting and awesome parts of the story that Sharon and I share is that we dated twice with a very large gap in between. That alone isn’t very much of a surprising fact or an unusual occurance, many couples have dated more than once before ultimately tying the knot, and there can be many reasons for the delay – people change, they weren’t mature enough, or there exists a fear of commitment on the part of one individual or the other, to name just a few.

I believe, however, that my relationship with Sharon is fairly unique. I’ve gone over this in some detail in the previous column that I wrote, but I think that it is probably quite sufficient to say that the number one reason that our relationship now works is the role that God plays in our lives, with the largest difference being in mine.

God expects us to communicate with Him – after all, he wrote us the Greatest Love Letter of All Time – the story of His son, His sacrifice, and the story of His redemption throughout history. God had inspired men to write the works of Scripture that are so integral to what we are called to do, and form such an important part of our lives.

And within that Scripture we see mentioned so many times how we are called to pray – to talk to our Father above in a deep and meaningful manner, to bring before Him our needs and desires and concerns. Jesus prayed constantly, always supplicating His needs and thoughts to the Father – He prayed to be alone with God, He prayed as intercession for others, He prayed for the purpose of healing and deliverance.

Scripture calls for us to pray continuously like Jesus; 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” [ESV] Jesus’ own words in John state that if we are within God’s will – if our thoughts, our motivation, our desires, and our goals are in line with that which God has declared, then whatever we ask for, we will receive! “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, as whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” [John 15:7, ESV]

But when we’re in deep, personal relationship with another, we are called to prayer on a different level, and this applies whether you are dating, engaged, or married.  It’s something that Sharon and I have done since we started dating for the second time; every day we pray together, especially at night, where we reflect on the events of the day and thank God for the ways that He has blessed us – but even more importantly, we pray for each other, seperately in our own private times with the Lord.

God does something special when He brings two souls together in matrimony – Genesis 2:24 states that a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife as one flesh – and with this unity comes new responsibility and desires. I know that for me there is nothing more satisfying and fulfilling than to know that I am praying to our Heavenly Father with – and for – the woman that He has so lovingly and thoughtfully brought into my life. It’s so much better to face hard questions and difficult situations jointly in supplication, knowing that you are together united with Christ.

And that’s what is most different between where Sharon and I are now and where we were before in our relationship.  When we parted ways that first time, I honestly had no idea the story that God had written, nor how amazing it would end up being.  He was doing a work in me over that time to teach me the importance of prayer and supplication before Him, so that we would make it  a priority when the unbelievable happened, and He brought us together again.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” [Ephesians 5:25-27, ESV]

Blake’s hands were shaking and he was out of breath so he pulled into the neighborhood clubhouse. He was surprised at his response. After all, this was the best thing for everyone, especially the kids, right?

Just then, the school bus turned into the neighborhood next to the clubhouse. Parents were waiting for their kids. But he wasn’t. His daughters got off the bus and headed to his car, despite the fact that they were confused to meet him there on a Thursday.

Beth looked out the window and saw Blake driving back up the driveway and was very confused to see the girls in his car.

Blake stopped the car, wondering if he should make a quick exit or allow the girls to get settled in first.

Paralyzed by the sight, Beth wondered why Blake had the girls. Is he saying goodbye? He had better not; they had decided that Saturday at lunch was the best time. What if he . . . . Has he changed his mind? That’s not possible. They were both certain. Right?

The girls hopped out of Blake’s car. Jenny, the spitting image of Beth, turned and said, “Get out, Daddy!” Sara was already on her way inside the house. She had been distant for months. He and Beth both agreed she knew something was up.

“Hi baby, how was your day?” Beth asked Sara as she breezed by. “Fine,” Sara said, continuing without pause to her room.

Then, firecracker Jenny came barreling in. “Mommy, why did Daddy meet us at the bus?” she asked. “Jake’s mom always meets us on Thursdays.” Before getting an answer, she ran back outside to see what was keeping her Dad.

Blake, still frozen and not knowing what to do, watches as Jenny runs toward the car, shouting: “Daddy, what are you doing? Get out. Let’s play. Jump with me on the trampoline.” “No, Jenny. I have to go,” he said. “Go where?” she asked. “Honey, I . . . have . . . I have to work and I need to, . . . ” his voice trailed off. Her face went from exuberant to flat in a millisecond. What had appeared to be a great surprise on a random Thursday was now just a big disappointment.

“Come on, Jenny,” Beth said, walking outside. “Come inside. Dad needs to go.”

Seeing Beth and Jenny standing there together, looking just alike, killed him. “Beth, can we talk for just a minute,” Blake said before thinking.

“Blake, don’t you need to get back to work?” Beth said.

“Yes, but it will only take a minute,” he said. “Jenny, can you give me and your mom just a few minutes?” Jenny kicked the ground and ran inside.

Then Blake said . . . .

Attention anyone passionate about marriage: What do you want Blake to say? What do you want Beth to say? How does your heart long for this story to end, or at least re-begin?

I’m a dreamer. Every day, moms and dads are driving away for the last time, and families are dividing up permanently. I believe the Church’s role is to change those stories, restore those stories. I beg of you, start the ball rolling at your church. Start leveraging your church to help marriages. I know you have a lot on your plate for 2013, but please make room for the Beths, Blakes, Saras and Jennys that surround your church.

Reflection and Preparation for New Year
by John Woodall

Reflection and Preparation
The habit or practice of reflection has increased and become very important to me over the years. I have noticed people are running so fast and not taking the time to sit, think, review, remember and re-adjust their lifestyles and schedules. With some regular times of daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and annual reflection, it can lead to peace, stability and very purposeful living.

The following questions are to get us thinking about this past year and prepare us for “The Best Year Ever.” How am I doing in the major areas of my LIFE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY, WORK and CHURCH?

1. LIFE
A. Spirit:
1) Psalm 1 – Am I DELIGHTING IN the Father and His
Word day and night?
2) John 15 – Am I ABIDING IN and staying connected
to Jesus Christ?
3) Galatians 5 – Am I WALKING IN and keeping in
step with the Holy Spirit?
4) What 3 “spiritual practices or habits” generated the
greatest benefit?

B. Soul:
1) MIND
a) What am I doing to daily renew my mind?
b) Are my thoughts pure, lovely, noble, truthful,
and full of praise?
c) What are the best three books I read last year?
2) WILL
a) What kind of choices did I make last year?
b) Did I choose the way of life versus death?
c) Did I choose the way of the Spirit versus the
way of the flesh?
d) Did I choose to walk by faith versus walk by
sight?
3) EMOTIONS
a) Was I full of love, joy, peace, patience and
self-control?
b) Was there any guilt, greed or jealousy that
needs to be resolve?
c) Is there any anger or hurt that needs to be
forgiven?

C. Body (Did I live in B.A.L.A.N.C.E?)
1) BREATHING – Am I getting enough oxygen in my
blood?
2) AWARENESS – Am I aware of what is going on in
my body?
3) LIQUIDS – Am I drinking enough water?
4) ANTIOXIDANTS – Am I taking the right of Multi,
C and E?
5) NUTRITION – Am I eating 3-5 small meals of
protein, carbs, and good fats?
6) CONDITIONING – Am I exercising 3-5 times a
week?
7) EFFECTIVE REST – Am I getting 7-8 hours
of sleep?
What three ways will I take better care of myself
this next year?

2. MARRIAGE
A. Intimacy
1) Does my wife know she is the #1 priority
relationship on the planet?
2) Am I loving my wife as Christ loves the church?
3) Are we praying together on a regular basis?
4) Are we regularly sharing what we are learning
from our own relationship with Jesus Christ?
5) Am I washing and cleansing her with the Word of
God?
6) Am I carefully listening to her thoughts, feelings
and desires?
7) Are we enjoying many sexual and non-sexual
touches?
Are we enjoying romance and physical intimacy
on a regular basis?
9) Did we have an awesome anniversary celebration?
10) Have we enjoyed quarterly getaways?
11) Did we have our monthly MSM, Marriage Staff
Meetings?
12) How was our “Weekly Focus” time?
13) Did I provide her the structure or spontaneity she
needs and desires?
14) Did I give her the full and focused attention she
deserves?
15) On a scale of 1-10, how would my wife rate our
marriage?
16) What needs to be done to get it to a 10?

B. Finances
1) Did we honor the Lord with the first fruit of all
our increase?
2) Did we EARN DILIGENTLY?
3) Did we GIVE GENEROUSLY and cheerfully?
4) Did we SAVE APPROPRIATELY?
5) Did we INVEST WISELY for the future?
6) Did we SPEND MODERATELY?
7) What financial adjustments must we make for
this next year?

3. FAMILY
A. Father/Grandfather
1) How am I doing as a Dad?
2) Am I walking humbly before my children?
3) Am I showing them unconditional love?
4) What did I teach them this past year? What do
they need to know?
5) Am I a model to follow? Can I say, “Follow me as
I follow Christ?”
6) Am I spending the quality and quantity of time
my children need?
7) Am I praying for them on a daily basis?
What “Etched Memories” did I create this past
year?

B. Son
1) How am I doing as a son?
2) How did I honor my Father and Mother this past
year?

C. Brother
1) How am I doing as a brother?
2) How did I love and care for my brothers and sisters?

4. WORK
A. Did I see my work as a gift from God?
B. Did I do my work as unto the Lord?
C. Am I living as a man under authority showing
respect, gratefulness, a servant and quiet spirit?
D. Am I showing excellence and diligence in my work?
E. Am I taking the low place and trusting God for His
invitations, appointments and exaltation in His time?
F. Am I “choosing home over work?
G. What three work relationships need more time?

5. CHURCH
A. Am I “Engaged” in my local church?
1) Am I CONNECTED and living in community with
other believers?
2) Am I INVESTING and inviting other outsiders?
3) Am I GIVING a percentage?
4) Am I SERVING strategically?
B. Where else am I using my gifts to touch the world?

SOME ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS:

6. In reviewing last year, what areas reveal the most
progress? The least progress?

• Most –

• Least -

7. What is the wildest, most unconventional thing I could
do this next year to live with more passion? What out
of the box thinking could we do?

8. Who will hold me accountable to be my best self this
next year?

9. The most significant way I will influence others is…

10. List 3-5 of your best achievements this past year

11. Strengths and Successes – Identify what has worked
well this past year

12. Struggles and Stresses – What has not been working so
well?

13. Habits – What are the most purposeful daily habits you
could develop/upgrade over the next 12 months?
Develop 1 habit at a time, not 2, not 5.

14. Clutter – Clutter can be anything that is taking up room
in my mind…for example we have 1000 AU’s (Attention
Units) and anything from a sick relative, to a way ward
child, to troublesome marriage, to bitterness can all
take up mental and emotional capacity. We must
un-clutter our minds so that we can reach full potential.

• Identify 3 messes or clutter projects you’d like to
clean up in the next 12 months?

15. Character – Proverbs 22:1 says, A good name is more
desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better
than silver or gold.

• Identify 3 qualities you’d like to see associated
with your name as well as how you would define
each quality.

I’ve recently offered unsolicited marital advice to two different people. Their responses could not have been different.

1)   The first guy received it like a champ. He said he would definitely talk to his wife about it and said he appreciated me caring enough about him to speak into his marriage.

2)   The second guy was defensive to say the very least. He quickly got off the phone and I haven’t heard from him since.

I guess I am weird, but I love it when someone confronts me in love. I guess because I know it wasn’t easy and because they cared more about me, than me liking them. They risked something, and because they did, it changed my life for the better.

But I haven’t always liked being confronted in love. This is an acquired skilled that I’m not sure how I acquired. But I think it has something to do with me being okay with being me. I grew up not liking myself very much because key people around me said I shouldn’t. They said in many different ways and times that I was defective, something was wrong with me. Now that I am 43, I realize that I’m not defective, I’m different. I’m not perfect, and my actions and work can frequently have defects. But my God says I’m not defective. He says, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I guess that is why I’m able to take it when someone confronts me in love. Then again, it hasn’t happened in a while. It might make me feel defective. I hope not.

What about you? Do you have people in your life who speak truth in love into your marriage? How do you receive it?

What do we do with this heavy? I’m not necessarily taking about making lemonade from lemons. And I’m not talking about processing the information. I think the best thing we can do with the heavy, is to do to our spouses and children what those hurting would love to do to theirs. I imagine that the spouses who lost spouses would love to say something meaningful to their spouse, hug them longer, not make a big deal of things that aren’t big deals. I imagine that those parents who lost children would love to take off early and jump on the trampoline with their kids, hug them longer, not make a big deal of things that aren’t big deals.

Perspective that leads to loving more sounds like a pretty good thing to do with the heavy.

What do you think is the best thing to do with the heavy?

God Comes First

“And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”” – Rev 21:5 [ESV]

I thoroughly enjoy it whenever someone asks me the story behind Sharon and I. Often I fear that they are simply being polite, but it’s too late, once they’ve asked that question, they’re in for it! God did a wonderful job writing the story of our lives coming together, spiralling apart, and winding back together again. I love to tell people how we dated for four years – to the day, no less – then we parted, we went our seperate ways, only to meet again 5 years later, and that’s when our relationship really came alive!

So what’s different? What changed between then and now? Surely, five years is a long time, and a lot can happen, but it’s more than simply time apart. When we parted ways, it was somewhat ameable, but it was also clear: I wasn’t even close to the one that Sharon would ever consider to be her husband, and we had been wallowing in our own misery for far too long. I had no direction, I couldn’t lead her if both our lives depended on it, and we were just basically the poster children for a dysfunctional relationship. Sharon later told me that, after she broke up with me, she would look back on our time together, thinking “What a waste of time! At least I know that he’s not the one. Of all things, at least I know that… something good has come of this…”

“Back then” – well, you could even say Before Christ – we… no, I… I never put God first. Sure, I thought I knew who He was – “I grew up in church, and that’s what counts, right?” – but I didn’t realize that I had not even the slightest idea of who He is. God worked on my heart during that time apart from Sharon, and He brought us back together, against all odds, much to our own surprise, so that we might glorify Him in our relationship. That we would put Him first, before ourselves, before each other.

And that’s exactly the root of the situation – mine and Sharon’s first relationship was all about us – seeking only that which made us happy. Our time was devoted to ourselves – not even each other, but ourselves. Sure, sometimes, we’d put the other first (Sharon, honestly, almost always put me first), but God was an afterthought in our lives, eighth string. The concert was in full swing, and His beautiful music wasn’t audible over the cacophony that was our own.

I can certainly list off all the tangible ways in which we put God first, like opening and closing the day with prayer, and reading Scripture together, but it’s the intangible way that God has worked in our hearts that’s made the biggest difference. It’s so clear to us that He’s led us to the place we’re in today, and it’s all that we can do to try to give Him everything in return, starting with our lives together, as one.

How do you put God first in your marriage?

It makes me smile to think about going back in time and telling myself at that first Christmas, all that would transpire in the next 18 years: three kids, and many, many meaningful (in every sense of the word) moments. I can just see the young me, with hair, freaking out, running and screaming out of our tiny apartment’s door.

There’s a reason God says His Word is a lamp unto our feet. If His Word was a spot light, and we could see many years in advance, I think most of us would hide under a rock. If you would have told me on our first Christmas that in a few years I would lose my aunt and cousin suddenly, I would’ve told you I couldn’t survive it. If you had described all the challenges we would have in ministry, I would have told you I couldn’t survive it. If you had told me how we would struggle in our marriage around year four and five, I would have told you I couldn’t survive it.

The great news is that God gives us only one ornament at a time, not more than we can handle. Some of the ornaments He gives us scare us and we wonder if we will survive. But when we hang around and trust Him, typically we find out even the so-called bad ornaments are rich with meaning.

God, thank You for those four people standing in front of that tree. I don’t deserve them, but thank You for giving them to me anyway. I don’t know what is going to happen in the next 18 years, and I don’t want to know. I’m grateful to live life the way You designed it, one meaningful ornament at a time.

Why should churches have a marriage strategy?

Potential Answer One: Because marriage is the reflection of Christ and the Church.
If this is the case, then shouldn’t the church do everything in its power to ensure that reflection makes Christ and the Church look really great? Marriage is important because it points to something even more important; how much God loves His people.

Potential Answer Two: Because marriage greatly impacts children
As I have visited churches all over the country, one thing is clear: the church cares about kids. Just check out the kids’ space/wing/facility/amusement parks of most churches. What better gift can we give to a child than helping their parents have great marriages?

Potential Answer Three: Maybe the church shouldn’t help marriages.
A lot of churches aren’t doing anything proactive to help marriages. Maybe that’s because they subconsciously or consciously think it’s not the churches place or area of expertise. Maybe we should continue to leave it up to professionals like counselors and/or parachurch organizations.

While I can’t argue potential answer three as a good answer, I have and do argue the case of potential answer one and two. But the answer I think is the best, is none of the above.

Why should the churches have a marriage strategy?

I think this is the best answer: Because marriage is a spiritual issue.
Of all three biblical purposes for marriage: functional (Genesis 2:18-25) sacramental (Ephesians 5:22-33) and transformational (Ephesians 5:15-33), the purpose of transformation seems superior to the other two purposes. This purpose of marriage and the purpose of the church is the same: to make people more like Jesus and draw them closer to God. It makes sense really. When marriage isn’t working it robs people of their best possible relationship with God. If you are passionate about children and their faith, then empowering marriages is a must. Family is the platform on which God builds faith. Faith effects family. Family effects faith.

What’s your answer to the question: Why should the churches have a marriage strategy?