I love fall now for different reasons. One of which is the idea of churches starting to focus on marriage more intentionally or maybe even for the first time. As I have worked in the local church, I have always found that our attendees love fall as well. Attendance rises, communicating they are ready to start fresh.

This year, we want to challenge churches as they are planning the fall, winter and spring curriculum for children and youth, they also plan their strategy to reach married couples. After all, what could be more important for kids than helping their moms and dads have a great marriage? Or as we say often, the most important part of your children’s strategy is your marriage strategy.

I am especially excited about this fall because we have spent a good portion of 2012 revamping our strategy and resources to be more like the rest of the Orange Strategy. We want to help you empower married couples all year long by helping them focus on the Core 4 Habits of a great marriage through larger group gatherings, small group experiences, and experiences for individual couples.Click here to get the full scoop.

We think this new way of doing things is easier for you and more powerful for the married couples of your church. And at the risk of sounding like an infomercial, we are giving churches 50 percent off any strategy package if you buy it before May 11, 2012. By purchasing it now, you have the rest of the summer to schedule and get ready for a great fall!

We’re here to help! If you have any questions, please feel to contact us at mpinfo@marriedpeople.org

“I didn’t know my husband when I married him.” Now ladies, some of you may be resonating with this statement right now! Dating and loving someone is one thing, but when you begin to live with them in marriage it’s a whole other ball of wax. However, this statement was different from that…

As the young woman elaborated on her statement I learned she was 28 when she married a man who was 14 years her senior. He was a friend of her uncle’s and someone she literally did not know as she walked down the aisle to him. It was an arranged marriage. It was Vietnam. They’ve been married for 16 years. They have a beautiful daughter who is 12. I asked her if she loved him. “No.” I asked her if she liked him. “Oh yes,” she said. “He’s a good man! I’m blessed.”

I struggled to imagine doing that; the fear of marrying someone I didn’t love, much less even know. Her response and face lingered in my mind. She didn’t love him, but she seemed okay with that. Really? My mind raced to other different marriages in the bible. Jacob, Leah, and Rachel. Jacob loving one, saddled with another, and God blessing it all. Hosea and Gomer. Esther and King Ahasuerus.

In the end, all I could do was reflect on my own marriage. I’m thankful I was deeply in love with my husband when I married him. I’m even more thankful that I’m still deeply in love with him today – almost 29 years later. We’ve walked through sickness and health, want and plenty, woundedness and joy. I’m grateful for every up and down, every lesson, every conversation, every step along the journey. I’m blessed. What about you?

Once I posted that picture of Judson and me, it reminded me of a picture I have with my dad. It is nowhere near as “professional” as the one of my son and me. In fact, it was taken with a 110 camera. I’m dating myself. But I love the image all the same. (see featured pic above)

Much like the other image, it captures a dad and his son with their guards down, their worries aside, and nothing else mattering but each other. My dad has a lot of qualities that I wish I had more of; qualities that I think are very consistent with the character of God.

• My dad is an amazing listener. You know when you talk to my dad, he is listening. God, the One who knows all, mostly lets us do the talking. I find it odd, but I find it true of my dad as well, and somehow it makes relational sense.
• My dad is gentle. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is a man’s man. He is a 6^th generation cotton farmer. The man can work! But, and it’s hard to describe, especially with my kids, he just moves slower, kinder, with more intention. He is so present.
• My dad delights in the people he loves. For instance, when he is watching my kids play sports he lights up like a Christmas tree. He sees with a lens that appears to render him delusional. Every play they play, he comments on their perfect abilities and attitudes. I love it.
• My dad loves his family because they are his family. My dad truly needs no other reason to love them than the fact that they are his.
• My dad is strong and always the same.

My wife calls my dad sweet Larry. We named our first son Larry Chapman. (That’s how much I love my dad, to name my son Larry—I mean, come on!) My wife and I both decided if any man deserves a namesake, it’s my dad. So many people struggle with God being a Father because of their negative image of their own father. I struggle with a lot. I have had more tragedy in my life than I care to mention, but associating God with my dad has always been a good thing. My dad is my solid. My God is my solid.

Ah, once again, the image of letting go and just lying on my way-bigger-than-me heavenly Father, letting Him hold me, is so appealing to me in my way-too-crazy-paced life. Does this make sense?

For me and the way I am wired, leading MarriedPeople can be very challenging. And despite the fact I take pretty good care of myself, my body has been letting me know that I am stressing more than I think—grinding my teeth is just one example. Yesterday, I had an hour in the car and I talked to God about the situation. Bottom line I said, “God, please help me to know how safe I am with You.”

Later in the afternoon around 2:30, I went out on the trampoline with my kids. Despite the fact it’s February, the weather was perfect. We jumped and laughed and hid from the hawks flying overhead. I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying my kids. I was enjoying the weather. It felt so good. Then a moment happened that I hope I never forget.

The jumping stopped and we were all on our backs looking up. My nine-year old son, Judson, who is not affectionate to the point of concerning his Mom and me,  laid on top of me with his head in my neck and his body “Koala Bear-ed” into mine. I held him close but not hard. He typically tries to squirm or get out of any hug that feels tight.  But in that moment that lasted probably a little over a minute, he was totally relaxed and tucked neatly into me. I had him just where I wanted him.

My big boy was letting me hold him. In that moment God gave me exactly what I asked of Him, to know I am safe with Him. As Judson’s father, I loved that he trusted me enough to hold him. I loved that nothing had to be said. There was a peace and safety between a dad and his son that was just right. And in that moment without anything being said, I knew I was safe with God. He loves to and is so able to hold me; I just have to let him.

So many times, I squirm, worry, stress, grind my teeth while I am doing “God’s work.” I think God thinks about me,  the way I think about Judson:”Just let me hold you, you are safe, I’ve got this.  I’ve got you. I love you my boy.”

God help me to become a man in my world by becoming a child in Yours.

How do you let God hold you amidst the chaos of your, I mean His, world? 

Do you remember the first time you laid eyes on your husband? Do you remember what you wore on the first date? Do you remember your first kiss with him? When is the last time you and your husband talked about the story of your courtship? When is the last time you had a date?

When we’re up to our necks in poopy diapers, dirty dishes, paying bills, “projects”, and life, one area that can quickly be put on the back burner is our marriage. God has stirred in my heart a passion for marriage! To see people have deeply satisfying, God-honoring marriage, not just roommate-type marriage.

But this type of marriage doesn’t come naturally. Actually if we aren’t intentional in our marriages we will drift towards isolation and loneliness. This summer I will celebrate my 9th anniversary with my husband, so I’ve just begun to learn about marriage, but I want to share some of the things we’ve done to protect our marriage and fully enjoy the oneness God designed for marriage!

1) We have a place that is our marriage sanctuary. This “place” is our bedroom! It’s a kid-free zone. There’s no pictures of them or toys. Hanging on the walls are pictures of us and tell the story of our love! We have been intentional to keep this place special and sacred for us to connect there!
2) We pray together daily!
3) There’s no topic off limits for discussion. We’ve cultivated a marriage where we can openly discuss any issues and share our thoughts openly and freely. This, of course, means laying aside pride so we can share without getting defensive. (To some this is very difficult, especially if they come from a family that never talked about important emotional issues.)
4) We’ve asked another couple to be our “blind spot” friends. Basically they have the “right” to ask us anything and we share freely with them any arguments or mis-understandings we’ve had. We try to get together with them two times a month to make sure we’re “doing” life with them. They pray for us and there’s nothing hidden from them. We’re trying to live as honestly and transparently with this couple to avoid any pitfalls that may be in our blind spot. This has taken a great deal of intentionality, with both couples! (Part 2- Coming Soon)

Fill in the blanks below, seal it in an envelope and leave it in a place they will find it when you are not around.

1) True
The thing I respect the most about you is…
__________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________
2) Noble
I love the way you treat…
___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
3) Right
You always seem to do the right thing when it comes to…

___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
4) Pure
The great thing that comes the easiest to you is…
___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
5) Lovely
Your most attractive physical feature is…
___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________
6) Admirable
You are at your best when you are…
___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
7) Excellent
The thing you do better than anyone I know is…
___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
Praiseworthy
The thing you don’t get praised for enough is….
___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________

• An intact Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other.

• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner’s world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times.

• An absence of serious conflict, marked by
  • Softened Startups, or tactful ways to bring up a problem
  • Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women)
  • Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there’s about one effort every three minutes for most couples)
  • De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise
  • Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned
  • Lack of Gridlock on problem issues by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner’s needs

• Number Two: Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)
In NSO, negative comments and behaviors just about equal positive ones, with five or fewer positive comments for every negative one. However, couples showing about one positive for one negative comment are on the path to divorce. This means that there is a negative filter that screens out the few positive events that exist, and may cause the couple to “rewrite” their history together. Ask them what drew them together in the first place, and listen for a negative emotional tone to see this.

The key to this one isn’t as much about comments and behaviors, it’s about our thoughts. When it comes to your marriage what are your overriding thoughts? *Are your thoughts noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and/or praiseworthy? Or are they selfish (ouch), wrong (could it be?), corrupt (yikes), ugly (uh-oh), shameful (oh, no, you didn’t)?

If you divided all your thoughts about your spouse into two columns: negative and positive, which list would be longer: negative or positive?

*Philippians 4:8-9

Example One:
Nancie: “Ted did you pick up that gift for your Dad?”
Ted: “Oops.”
Nancie: “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty?”

Example Two:
When we go to have Christmas with extended family, a passive-aggressive zinger flies across the room from a certain loved one. I lean over and whisper to Nancie, “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty?”

Example Three:
Our kids get really loud and I grab their attention with a loud whistle followed by, “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty? You guys need to turn it down a notch.”

You may be thinking, “What the Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty is Ted talking about? The reason I’m telling you this is that asking “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty?” is a great thing for our marriage. There is actually a scientific label for the way we use it: repair attempt. The term repair attempt comes from Dr. John Gottman, known as “the marriage research man” in both secular and Christian circles. He says happy couples have learned to exit an argument or repair stressful situations before things get out of control. You know those times when insignificant things lead to significantly stupid discussions and reactions that strain your relationship. Our break, our repair attempt during the holidays is “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty?”

Example One: Nancie’s response to me forgetting to purchase the gift is “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty?” instead of a roll of her eyes and a “That’s just great. I ask you to do one thing and you forget.” (Ladies, in case you’re wondering, yes I will get my Dad’s gift.)

Example Two: I respond to my loved one’s passive aggressive zinger by whispering to Nancie, “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty?”, instead of waiting till Nancie and I are alone and launching into a tirade starting with “I can’t believe she always does that. It makes me not want to even come here.”

Example Three: The kids get really loud and I respond with “Holiday, Hoobie, Whatty?”, instead of me trumping their volume with “If you guys don’t knock it off, I am going to give you something to be loud about!” (I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds scary, uh?)

Bottom line: Happy couples know how to be, well, happy. And it is scientifically proven that happy couples have a few words ready to go whenever their discussion is going to a bad place. Some use humor, some simply say things like: “I understand you are upset.” “I need a few minutes.” Or, “Let’s not forget we are on the same team.” But for us, humor is almost always the way to go.

So this year, why don’t you and your spouse go in together and get each other the gift of a repair attempt? Grab five minutes tonight and come up with your own repair attempt. Or in the name of time, you can rip off ours that we stole from the Grinch, “Holiday Hoobie, Whatty?”

What’s your version of “Holiday Hoobie, Whatty?”

Phobophobia – the fear of being afraid.   I have a fear of being afraid. Heights aren’t for me.  The thought of injury, cuts, scrapes or even just getting alittle too sweaty makes me uncomfortable.   However in the past six months, I have climbed a wall covered in mud, jumped in some bacteria infested water, zip lined through a rainforest, hurdled over burning coals and climbed a 600 foot waterfall.  Why?  Because I married a thrill seeker, danger enthusiast blonde.  His name is Lane.

I am not sure if Lane enjoys watching me squirm but somehow he manages to get me to try my unthinkable.  Just recently we went to Jamaica during Thanksgiving (skipping Thanksgiving is a whole other story).  Typically on vacations, we just lie around and relax but something was different in Jamaica.  The hotel tour desk told us about a zip lining adventure through the rainforest.  I immediately shouted “oh no!” and looked for the Spa.  Lane was enthralled, so we decided to think about it.  Translation:  Lane trying to convince me that it was fine and I would love it.  Me, trying to tell him that he should find someone else at the resort to go with him.  Surely there are other dudes that would like to do this while I get a mani-pedi.  I also tried to explain the implications of getting injured overseas with insurance, etc.  He didn’t budge.  The next morning, we booked the excursion.

After a sketchy cab ride, I got suited up in my harness and paid incredibly close attention to the safety briefing.  I let the guide know that if I didn’t make it out alive that I would like to be buried someplace nice, with a view and in a cute outfit.  No, seriously I did.  In my head, that was a real possibility.

We went through the first couple of zip lines and my legs were shaking just like in the cartoons.  Somewhere between the third and fourth zip line, I opened my eyes, caught my breath and realized how much fun I was having.  Yep I was having fun.  Towards the end, Lane had already started with the “I told you sos.”  He was right – out of my comfort zone – lies some fun and risk.

That is one of the things that I love about being married to someone who has no fear.  God made him that way.  Most of the time it makes me squirm but he doesn’t let fear hold him back.  The thing I love the most about doing “dangerous” things together with him is the delicacy in which he treats me in my moment of complete fear.  He says, “You’re so small.”  “Give me a kiss.” “You don’t look scared, you look cute.”  “It is so hard to be you.” “Thanks for coming with me.”  “You’re so brave.” “Maverick (our dog) has a brave mommy.”  I genuinely want to be with him no matter what it is we are doing.

Gals, go with you man somewhere you wouldn’t typically go. Let him lead you and just see if I’m right.  Looking back at pictures, I can’t believe I agree to do some of these things with him.  But at the end of the day, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  In the moment, scared silly.  Afterwards, so proud I’m the gal right beside him.  Next trip, I am picking the activity.  Mark my word.

Sincerely,

Phobophobic Payden

Ladies- what is something fun your husband would like for you to try? (Other than that)

So, what would it look like if you gave your husband relational helmet stickers that were specific, visible and honoring? Maybe he is out of work and he needs you to write him a note that specifically says why you think he is great at what he does, and you make sure he hears you affirm him to your kids. Maybe, he needs you to say to him, with a big kiss that you still think he is hot. Maybe, he needs to hear you say to your kids that they have a great Dad and you send him off on a boy’s night or have a date night with you.

Here are three steps to giving your husband relational helmet stickers:

Step One: Catch him doing something great.

Step Two: Find a specific way to recognize that something.

Step Three: Make sure other people know it.

Ladies beware, when you give your husband a “sticker”,  he will  probably not respond with, “Honey, I want to thank you for taking the time to acknowledge that I __________well. My soul is not much different than an 11 year-old football player, so this means a lot.” He may not acknowledge your sticker with a smile or even a thank you, but don’t let that stop you from doing it again. Trust me, it matters.

Ladies, how do you give your husbands relational helmet stickers? (PG-rated, please.)