MarriedPeople Couples

Once again, Dr. John Gottman is one of my main go-to experts when it comes to marriage research.
He offers that there are two states that a relationship can exist in:
• Number One: Positive Sentiment Override (PSO),
In PSO, comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones about 20:1. This means that there is a positive filter that alters how couples remember past    events and view new issues. PSO is built on a few basic processes:

• An intact Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other.

• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner’s world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times.

• An absence of serious conflict, marked by
  • Softened Startups, or tactful ways to bring up a problem
  • Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women)
  • Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there’s about one effort every three minutes for most couples)
  • De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise
  • Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned
  • Lack of Gridlock on problem issues by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner’s needs

• Number Two: Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)
In NSO, negative comments and behaviors just about equal positive ones, with five or fewer positive comments for every negative one. However, couples showing about one positive for one negative comment are on the path to divorce. This means that there is a negative filter that screens out the few positive events that exist, and may cause the couple to “rewrite” their history together. Ask them what drew them together in the first place, and listen for a negative emotional tone to see this.

The key to this one isn’t as much about comments and behaviors, it’s about our thoughts. When it comes to your marriage what are your overriding thoughts? *Are your thoughts noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and/or praiseworthy? Or are they selfish (ouch), wrong (could it be?), corrupt (yikes), ugly (uh-oh), shameful (oh, no, you didn’t)?

If you divided all your thoughts about your spouse into two columns: negative and positive, which list would be longer: negative or positive?

*Philippians 4:8-9