MarriedPeople Couples

I’m going to tell you a bit of my sad story. But don’t worry, I use bluntness, sarcasm and humor to mask the pain, so it shouldn’t be too “Beaches.” Growing up I experienced a lot of grief. When I was 10, my uncle who was also my Dad’s business partner died suddenly, a month later my Mom also died suddenly. Both deaths were stupid, random illnesses, completely out of the blue. On the day my mom died, my aunt who was only 22 at the time said to me, “I want you to know I am never going to leave you. I am here for you. We are going to do this together.” She kept that promise until exactly five years ago from today, when she also died suddenly from some stupid staph infection. She was 49. Depressed yet? I’m not. No, despite the fact that it rained on the day she died, and it has rained every year on the anniversary day of her death since, I am not depressed.

I am not depressed because I am a better man than I was five years ago. Because this is a marriage blog, I will tell you three ways this has made me a better husband. In blog world you have to have numbers, right?

Number One: My wife loved me well during my grief. She would pat me on my chest and say, “Oh, your heart. Oh, your heart.” She would say, “This is just so crazy. It’s just so crazy.” This is exactly what I needed. I just needed someone, especially her, to recognize that my heart felt like it was broken FOREVER and that it all was so stupid and crazy and made no sense whatsoever. My aunt was 49 years old, she worked out every day, besides there was no way God would take away two moms, right? Nancie’s ability to simply recognize how awful it really was, was EXACTLY what I needed. Her response to me, glued me to her like never before. Glued me like super glue, we are stuck in the best kind of way.

Number Two: I am a better man because we now have a saying at our house when things aren’t going our way, i.e., busy work schedules, unexpected expenses, conflict with people at work, neighborhood pool opening two weeks late, etc. We say, “We know tragedy and this ain’t it.” (Bad grammar seems to work in this case.) This perspective has been a great gift to our relationship.

Number Three: I have chosen my wife and kids over my grief. I am a firm believer in allowing yourself to grieve. I have cried enough tears to float a ship. After she died, I called my aunt’s cell phone for a year, and left long messages. But grief can take over your life. I can dive into my grief pretty easily, I can look at certain photos, or replay the scene in my mind of when my uncle told me she had died, and I am off to the grief races. But I have made a conscious decision; I am not going to give my life or my marriage over to grief. My aunt loved Jesus. I think I will see her for eternity. Right now I have to live for the living. To say my aunt wouldn’t want me to grieve all the time would be a huge understatement.

Five years after the most devastating loss of my life, I am a better man. I am a better man because my wife is a great woman, my perspective has become powerfully clear, and I have chosen life over grief. But without an ounce of me feeling like I have to say it, the over-arching reason I am a better man, is that My GOD is bigger, better, and has held me through it. He knows the loss of a Loved One like no other. This makes Him not a better God, but the only God.

I love and miss you Aunt Bug. God has most certainty made me a better man because of you!